Tag Archives: Jurassic Park

The Temptation of the Clones: Please Destroy your Replicators

If life has taught me anything, it’s that if you ever find a machine that clones people, destroy it. You would think all science fiction would have been enough of a deterrent against this unfortunate invention, but people are still tempted at the possibilities of cloning.

Just this week, I read a post on the internet that compiled various people’s desire to be cloned, called PLEASE, PLEASE CLONE ME, found here. One person is asking for a clone to cure his paralysis, but wonders what the ramifications will be on his soul (hint: not great). A woman said her dad died, and wishes to give birth to her dad’s clone so her son will be like her father. Which is weird in too many ways to go over now. These people are not simply inquiring about cloning possibilities or how to clone — they are specifically asking this guy to clone them now, like it’s common knowledge he has invented a cloning machine and is taking offers, but needs to hear people’s reasoning first.

The point is, people want to be cloned. Well, I’m here to tell you, sirs and mams, please do not give into temptation. But not for the reasons you would think. We already know the potential for you to create an army for yourself and take over the world. We understand the agricultural ramifications you would have on the planet because you are inconsiderate and eat way too much food. And we’ve all seen The Fly. But you have to think deeper. Here are six extremely critical reasons why it’s imperative you destroy any cloning devices you run across. Continue reading The Temptation of the Clones: Please Destroy your Replicators


Jurassic Park PSA: Raptors are people, too

I watched Jurassic Park the other day. I’ve decided that raptors aren’t as bad as people think. Velociraptors have an unwarranted reputation. Put aside your bias generated from years of watching the Jurassic Park propaganda, and I think you’ll agree with me. Raptors just want to have fun.

Look at a raptor. The first thing you’ll probably notice is its sharp teeth. But are we going to degrade an entire populace for their teeth? When you look at me, the first thing you notice are my teeth. Does this mean I’m a raving, carnivorous killing machine? No. The same goes for the raptor.

Raptors don’t snarl. When you see what appears to be a raptor snarling, just remember, it’s not snarling. It’s smiling. Maybe another raptor just farted. Or told a funny joke, or found an internet meme it related to. Maybe the one about the raptor riding the shark while dual-wielding machine guns. It’s funny. Raptors have a great sense of self-deprecating humor. They’re great sports.

Jurassic Park portrays raptors as being very sneaky, and prone to popping out at people. They’re not trying to be startling, though. They’re just saying hi, and they’re happy to see you. On a list of things raptors like to do, playing hide and seek with children is near the top. Right after playing Marco Polo in tall grass.

Raptors have great parties. Please remember this the next time a more ignorant person makes a derogatory comment about your fellow raptor. If we educate ourselves, we can break this cycle of raptor discrimination.

Thank you.