The Flagstaff Buzzers watched their furious rally against the Celtics come up just short, and now they’ve got revenge on their minds as they take on Carmelo Anthony and the New York Knicks. But the big story here is Howie Mandel — relegated to the bench, he finally gets his chance to shine in the third quarter…

Chris, Dave and Shaun are back, playing ourselves as custom characters in the game, with abilities similar to how we actually play (only, you know, at an NBA level). There’s more of these games to come down the road, but we’re still taking requests. Have a game you want to see us suffer through play next? Let us know in the comments or by sending us an email. Now that this is a series, we’ve created its own page, which you can see here. It lists all the games we’ve done so far and what might be coming next.

It’s time to dominate the court. Game on.

Warning: This article has spoilers. If you haven’t seen Star Trek, go see it, and then come read this immediately after, if you have a smartphone, load this up on it and then read it while the credits are rolling. Go. See it now.

I’ve said it many times throughout my blogs and on the podcast: I’m a huge Star Trek fan. I grew up watching Captain Picard and the Enterprise D’s adventures. I grew up learning about the Star Trek Universe, and how everything was connected from the original Enterprise all the way through to Voyager. When JJ Abram’s version of Star Trek came out in 2009, I remember walking out of that theater upset. I was mad that they had gone so blatantly against the canon of the original universe. It wasn’t until after a talk with dear old dad, who loved the move, and is a bigger Star Trek fan than I’ll ever be, that I realized the purpose: It was a reboot, and now they can do whatever they want with the Star Trek universe without having to stick to a rigid history. After that eye opening realization, I saw it again, realized how good it was, and became excited for the possibilities in upcoming movies.

KAHHHHHHHNNNNN

Into Darkness kept the action and fun coming at all times, and had so many minute details that only the hardcore trekkie would catch. Things like Kirk telling Chekov to “go put on a red shirt,” and Chekov recoiling in horror at the thought cracked me up (even if I was one of the only ones laughing in the theater), the delightful switching of characters from Star Trek II, having Kirk die in the radiation-filled warp core instead of Spock, and the infamous “KAHHHHNNNN!” line being spoken by Spock instead of Kirk really made it feel like a brand new movie that I’d seen before…if that makes sense.

Benedict Cumberbatch’s representation of Khan stole the show for me, as we finally get to see what it meant when Khan referred to himself as a “genetically superior” being, instead of just being Ricardo Montalbon in a vest. Anytime you see a human being able to crush another man’s skull with his bare hands, we know that we have someone to reckon with. We were able to see the superhuman take down an entire group of Klingons practically by himself, and then show his loyalty to his companions by surrendering at the mention of a possible threat. It made you feel that this wasn’t just an evil person, just one who was conditioned to think a certain way and he would do anything he could to achieve his goals. By the way, I’m not sorry if I just spoiled the fact that Khan and Klingons are in this movie, I warned you there were spoilers, and if you didn’t listen, that’s your fault.

On that note, one of the best aspects of Into Darkness, for those of us who did not seek out spoilers, was the fact that you didn’t know what the main conflict would be until nearly halfway into the movie. Spock nearly dies in the first 10 minutes of the film, and Kirk goes from thinking he’ll get promoted and then smacked down to commander again after filing a false report. Of course, everything works out for Kirk in one way or another, as he is back to captain again in a matter of about 10 minutes (even though the method of his promotion might have caused a few tears to be shed). Then the Enterprise is sent off to Klingon space to retrieve a terrorist (Khan), and the audience is left thinking that the Klingons would be the main antagonist. Of course, they are not, The federation itself is the main antagonist. Rather, one admiral hell bent on War.

We’re goin down fast!

Abrams is doing a masterful job at using his new universe he created in the first Star Trek film to recreate aspects of the original series in a completely different way. The fact that Vulcan was destroyed has now lead to the federation being more concerned with defense and warships, leading to Admiral Marcus (the aforementioned admiral) finding and using the superhumans to fight the Klingons. This means that Khan is introduced to the Enterprise much faster than in the original series, the federation is no longer the Utopian society that we are used to, and the words Botany Bay no longer have relevance in this universe. Also, apparently it was totally fine to have half of San Francisco destroyed and countless lives lost. What a universe that we live in.

Overall, this is one of the better Star Trek movies I’ve seen. (For those interested, I’d rate the top ones as such: First Contact, II, Into Darkness, IV, Nemesis, III and the new Star Trek. At the bottom of this list is Generations…what an awful movie). As my dad said, “I give this 4 phaser blasts out of 5.” I’ll do a little better, and say 4.5 stars out of 5. Definitely go see this, even if you aren’t a trekkie.

It’s time to finally fulfill one of our requests! This suggestion came from Mal, who probably wanted us to murder each other to death. Chris was victorious in the 16-man tournament with Shaun, Jason and Tech Guy (as well as a ton of ferocious computer opponents), and now it’s time for some exhibition matches now that the tourney is over. Who will emerge as the winner?

Have a game you want to see us suffer through play next? Let us know in the comments or by sending us an email. Now that this is a series, we’ve created its own page, which you can see here. It’ll list all the games we’ve done so far and what might be coming next.

It’s time to fight to the finish. Game on.

I just don’t get it. I don’t. I thought gamers were taking part in the “video games” genre, yet all I watched for the last hour were tech demos, sports, a TV guide and a dog in Call of Duty. Does the name Xbox One refer to how many games I should expect at launch? Or has the next generation abandoned the idea of actually appealing to its audience in favor of taking control of my living room — coincidentally, where I spent very little of my time these days?

Look, my negative take on this isn’t going to surprise you if you read my article yesterday. My expectations were low for Microsoft’s reveal today, and somehow they were still underwhelmed. And that has a lot to do with this bizarre decision to ignore games (which I have to imagine/hope will be the focal point at E3) and instead talk about the One’s ability for me to yell at my TV and have it do things, because lord knows pushing buttons was just…too…strenuous.

“But Chris!” you say. “They showed games!” They sure did! And exactly one of those reveals might have been actual gameplay footage! EA was first up, and they talked about their exciting new titles like Madden (not surprising), UFC (not surprising), NBA Live 14 (surprising, considering that franchise’s god awful last two years), and FIFA (not surprising, except for it being an Xbox exclusive). Shocking developments! Bungie’s Destiny was mentioned, an absolute shocker on a Microsoft system. Forza had some high-resolution shots of tires. Watch Dogs was a mild surprise in that it wasn’t just on PS4. Assassin’s Creed 4 was expected, and oh look here comes a new Call of Duty on a new engine (years overdue) and it has a dog!

And congratulations! You just spent more time reading that last paragraph than Microsoft did talking about the same subject in their hourlong conference.

The rest of this crap means nothing to me. Advanced ways to watch TV? I don’t watch TV anymore — I have the internet for that. I can stream sports and other shows through my computer and watch series on demand through Hulu or Netflix or whatever the hell I want. The Xbox One has Blu-ray  (aka that thing they guessed wrong on eight years ago)! But at least some good news came up after the conference when news leaked that the Xbox One was not backwards compatible and would preclude using preowned games on other Xbox Ones!

In short, I’m not impressed. And not just by Microsoft, but by any of the big three. Give me a call when you guys pull your heads out of your asses and I might have some money in my wallet to give you.

So you’ve probably heard about this somewhere by now, but here goes: Microsoft is going to announce something major tomorrow with the new Xbox! And today, the day before that conference takes the nation by storm, Sony put out a teaser video with 30 seconds of blurry or hyper zoomed-in footage of what the PS4 might look like!

Maybe I’m being an old man telling kids to get off his lawn, but so far the next generation of consoles has been an absolute dumpster fire.

Just to remind you of what we know so far:

• The Wii U has already released, but major developers like EA are saying they have no games in development, and the usual Nintendo heavy hitters like Zelda and Smash Bros. and Mario have no release dates in sight (although that may change at E3 in a month or so). The console is struggling in sales and the general population still seems to think that the Wii U is a tablet add-on to the original system and not a brand-new entity, thanks to the awful name choice — Wii 2 may sound boring, but at least it’s clear on a conceptual level.
• Sony revealed the PS4 after months of speculation, only to give us limited views of a new controller and no look at the system whatsoever, and only listing a couple of franchises so far that will have any sort of impact at launch. Then, in what I assume is an attempt to take some of the starch out of Microsoft’s announcement, they released the video you see above. Maybe you find that teaser useful if you’re wondering what the PS4 looks like three-tenths of an inch from your face, or you’ve been really curious about what model of fan they were going to choose.
• Tomorrow, Microsoft will have its big announcement on the 720 or the Durango or the Infinity or the Hey Look It’s The System That Gets Halo And Gears Of War And Charges You For Online Play or whatever the hell its new system will be called. I can’t be too snarky about this yet because it hasn’t happened. Unless Microsoft really shines tomorrow, however, they’re probably going to regret letting Sony get the drop on them.

Will Microsoft actually show its new system? Sony and Nintendo didn’t at the PS4 and Wii U reveals, to much criticism. Will they address the always-on rumors or comment on whether you can play used games on the system? Probably not, if Sony’s conference was any indication (although one would hope that they don’t follow the PS4′s model of changing its answer 67 times and still not having an official answer on the record).

More importantly, what is the purpose of these strung-out, uninformative reveals? Are we so distracted in today’s tech-heavy society that we need step-by-step reminders of the processes of a new console? Was the influx of social media and a bevy of posts on Twitter and Facebook not sufficient to bridge the gap between an announcement and a huge reveal at E3? And the big-money question: Do any of these companies really think that this is going to help (and not hinder) sales at launch?

Maybe folks are more excited about this than I am. Right now, you want to take a guess on how many of the next-gen consoles this versatile gamer plans on purchasing? Let me help you count them on your fingers: Look at your hands with your fingers extended, then slowly ball them up until you have no fingers showing and all you have showing is your fists. Then punch yourself in the face.

While I’m probably a Nintendo fan by trade (it’s what I grew up with), I purchased a Wii, a 360 and two PS3s in the current generation. The next generation has been so unimpressive to me that my money is going nowhere. And while the major companies probably don’t care about my drop in the ocean, the whole situation is still tremendously disappointing to me.

Star, you and Mario need to float together. Ignore those fireworks in the background. Just state at each other lovingly and let the magic happen.

It’s time for Part 11 of Super Mario Galaxy 2. Ranked 17th on our list of the best games of all-time, our dramatic re-enactment of “Plumbers in Space” is the newest Broadway hit that’s sweeping the nation.

Chris and Shaun are taking on the entire game in this playthrough. That’s right — all the way through every green star. Have a game you want to see us suffer through play next? Let us know in the comments or by sending us an email. Now that this is a series, we’ve created its own page, which you can see here. It’ll list all the games we’ve done so far and what might be coming next.

It’s time to make space in Mario’s heart for a new lover. Game on.

Ultimate Comics Spider-Man follows the story of Miles Morales, the “black Spider-Man” that everyone was so up in arms over a year or so ago, as he struggles to fill the role of Spider-Man that was left open when Peter Parker was killed in front of his own house by the Green Goblin. Keep in mind, the Ultimate universe is not the same as the “regular” or 616 Universe. So while Peter died heroically saving his family and friends in the Ultimate Comics, he’s still alive and kicking in the regular comic universe. In fact, both Peter and Miles have even met up! But that’s another story…

*Spoilers for this and past issues ahead!*

Now why is this latest story arc so important? Well in Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #22 Miles mother was shot and killed by friendly police gunfire after Venom (that evil black symbiotic monster) attacked a hospital that Miles’ mother and father were in. At the time Venom was under the impression that Miles’ father was actually the new Spider-Man, and had attacked the Morales family in front of their own home. Although Miles was able to fend the creature off, he was unable to save his mother at the hospital later that night and, tragically, had to watch her die in his arms as she finally realized that her son was Spider-Man. her last words of advise? “Don’t tell your father.” As you might imagine Miles was rather upset, and as a result he swore of being Spider-Man forever…

Cue the one year time skip.

That’s right, UCSM #23 picks up a whole year after the death of Miles mother! While Peter Parker has ditched the costume before, he always seems to come back to it by the end of whatever story arc he gives it up in. So it’s a nice change to see Miles actually stick to his decision, even if we ultimately know that he’ll be forced to don the costume once again (the comic is called Ultimate Comics Spider-Man after all). It’s also nice to see that the many people in and around Miles life also refuse to give up on him. His best friend Ganke, who has always been his staunched supporter and ally, is unsurprisingly unconvinced that Miles will never again be Spider-Man.

Meet Miles’ new girlfriend, Katie Bishop.

More surprisingly though, it was really good to see where Jessica Drew, Spider-Woman, stood on the issue. In the Ultimate Universe, Jessica Drew is a female clone of Peter Parker (created by none other than Doctor Octopus!) who still has a lot of the early genetic memories of Peter Parker lurking within her. She came to terms with the fact that she isn’t (and can never be) Spider-Man some time ago, and instead works with SHIELD to do what good she can as Spider-Woman. Because of all this she’s a bit more downcast and resolute than Peter Parker was; but at her core still retains the moral compass and good nature that made Peter such a hero in the first place, albeit with a understandably dark side. For example she once refused to save Doctor Octopus and wanted to let him die, until Peter intervened and set her straight.

Jessica urges Miles to become Spider-Man.

Although she wasn’t always in favor of Miles being Spider-Man, Jessica Drew has come to accept and support Miles as the “new” Spider-Man and is the first one we see really try to push Miles out of his year long absence. Miles has no idea who Jessica really is, or her relation to Peter, so to him she’s just another face trying to tell him how to live his life. He doesn’t respond too well to this, as you might imagine, and turns her down twice in the course of issue #23. Both on the roof of his school when she tries to hand him a briefcase and urges him to suit up again, and again when he finds the briefcase on his bed at his fathers house.

Miles opens the briefcase later that night and refuses the mantle once again.

Miles has no idea that, in a way, it’s Peter Parker “herself” that’s trying to get him to deal with his grief and accept his responsibility as the new Spider-Man. This is the kind of character dynamic that keeps me reading Ultimate Comics Spider-Man issue after issue. Where else could you see the figurative ”ghost” of Peter Parker, Jessica Drew, trying her best to help a new young man step up to the plate and deal with the responsibility (and risks) that come with being Spider-Man? Miles Morales isn’t Peter Parker, and he has to find his own way in the world and don the mantle of Spider-Man for his own reasons. He can no longer just go out and save people in Peter’s memory or because it’s “the right thing to do” like he used.

The full weight and responsibility of being Spider-Man is now crystal clear to him, and he’s going to have to come to terms with what it all means on his own. But Jessica, who has actually experienced all the things Peter went through, is forced to sit on the sidelines and do what little she can to help Miles out. It’s heartbreaking, as watching Miles suffer reminds her of all the things Peter went through; and she knows all too well that by asking Miles to become Spider-Man once again she’s putting his at risk of losing more loved ones. But it has to be done. The world needs Spider-Man; and Miles is the only one who can don that mantle in this new age. It’s his destiny.

Well… this is awkward.

Of course Jessica isn’t the only one who cares for Miles and empathizes with his plight, as Gwen Stacy has lost both her father and Peter Parker himself to Spider-Man related violence. So when Miles bumps into her when he and his father go out for dinner, she does what she can to try and let him know that she’s there for him. Miles doesn’t want to here it though, and by the end of their brief exchange wants nothing to do with the place or Gwen.

Dawh… Sad Gwen.

Miles can’t ever catch a break though, so of course as he and his father are leaving the Chinese restaurant they were going to eat at they are both blown back from the windows by an explosion from the street outside. And who do Miles and Gwen see as they check the street for the source of the explosion? Why none other than Cloak & Dagger fighting one of my all time favorite minor villains, Bombshell. This is the first we’ve ever seen of the Ultimate version of Cloak & Dagger, so next issue should prove to be an interesting read. And it’s always good to see Bombshell, the potty mouthed girl who likes to blow things up, make a return. Her unique “style” of dialogue always proves to be amusing.

All that being said, this latest arc of Ultimate Comics Spider-Man is shaping up to be quite a doozey! Don’t worry though! If you don’t feel like picking it up at your local comic book store just be sure to swing by At The Buzzer and check out my monthly reviews, as I’ll be covering this arc in its entirety as it progresses. If you’ve been looking for a reason to jump into comics or wondering just how that whole “black Spider-Man” thing was going… now is perhaps the best time to jump on-board. With a one year time jump and a new path ahead of him, even long time Spider-Man readers like myself have no idea what’s in-store for Miles.

This is new territory for Spider-Man, as even though Peter lost Uncle Ben, it was Ben’s death that pushed him to be Spider-Man. Miles’ mother, on the other hand, died as a result of Miles being Spider-Man. How he comes to deal with this and the Spider-Man he’ll eventually become remains to be seen. I’ve got high hopes though! And regardless of how it all turn out I’m sure it’ll be one heck of a great story!

Back in 1992, Nintendo brought one of its flagship franchises into the 16-bit era by releasing The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, which some would call the best game in the series. Checkpoint takes a look back at the adventure of a boy who just wanted to stay in bed before some girl started talking to him, and wee debate whether LttP is better than Ocarina of Time.

“The best of Super Nintendo.” They’re not wrong.

A Connection to What Once Was

Chris: For me, this was the first Zelda game I ever played. I went back later and played the original, but this was it. My main man.

Lee: My first Zelda game was Link’s Awakening, but that doesn’t even compare to this game.

Shaun: My first was Link’s Awakening too (which for nostalgia reasons I still prefer), but that game is only a small taste of the experience in LTTP. The title was truly years ahead of its time.

Lee: The story was pretty basic. You get called upon to collect items from various dungeons while working toward rescuing the princess. Seemed simple at first.

Chris: Yeah, and the intro did a good job of pulling you in. You’re in bed on a stormy night. Your uncle’s charging off like a pimp/dumbass. You get a telepathic message from some hot chick. Ready go.

Shaun: Simple, but very effective because of how epic it made everything feel. Starting the in the pouring rain, escorting the Princess to the church, finishing what your uncle started. It really immersed you in this world from the very beginning.

Lee: At the time, you didn’t know your uncle would take it like a bitch. Then again, we still don’t know what happened to him. He may have fought Ganon and sent him to the Dark World in the first place.

Chris: Maybe he turned into Ganon. You don’t see him again until the ending, when Link’s Triforce magic turns everything back the way he wants.

Shaun: That’s okay, though, because it’s not The Legend of Uncle, as fantastic of a game as that would be. The stakes were established from the very beginning, and it was up to the purple haired hero to save the day from forces that seem indomitable.

Chris: Speaking of which, this is the only game where Link acquires the full Triforce, which I think is exceedingly important.

Shaun: In the overarching narrative, it is a watershed moment. Especially if you buy into the “Split Timeline Theory.” One day I will write a whole thing explaining that theory, and where each game falls. Today is not that day.

Chris: Thank goodness.

Lee: Save your time for curing cancer.

Shaun: Priorities, Lee. The subplot with Agahnim is fantastic as well, and perfectly established the beginning and end of one of the acts. You vanquish what the game characters think is the main threat, only to open a whole new can of calamity. And then Link is a bunny. An exceedingly cute, useless bunny.

Chris: Yeah, and the best sequence in the game might be the combination of getting the Master Sword, hearing Zelda cry out for help, charging into the corrupted Hyrule Castle with your new sword, and taking on Agahnim with the Bug Catching Net. Outstanding.

Lee: Things were a bit difficult if you didn’t pick up the Moon Pearl before killing Agahnim. Get transported to the Dark World. Ahh, bunny time! How am I supposed to get back?

Lee: Considering the final product, I wouldn’t call it wasted effort.

Chris: Admittedly, that’s one of the few negatives about this game. Why not do a short, separate thing for the Moon Pearl? Why on earth is it the dungeon treasure in the tower? You get that and you’re like, “Uh…okay?” Then you get knocked off the platform 300 times by that worm guy and you wish you had something useful. Like a gun. Not the Moon Pearl.

Shaun: The plot was so multilayered, with so many threads weaved into it. Not many games at this time wasted effort in constructing such rich plots.

Chris: Link to the Past manages to keep explaining the story even though there’s not a lot of dialogue, which doesn’t seem possible until you see the execution. Coupled with Link being the classic silent protagonist, you really get a lot of space to experience it through his eyes.

Shaun: The dialogue is sparse and the exposition minimal, but the story manages to resonate with players to this day. You literally take some useless boy, traverse through two parallel worlds, and kill an evil pig. Then get the Triforce. I miss the days when silent protagonists weren’t seen as a point of criticism.

Lee: When you think about it, what was Link supposed to say? “Get out of my head, I’m sleeping!”

Shaun: “Go to hell, you swine.” Really gruff like.

Chris: He could assert himself for once instead of saving everyone for the 140th time. Of course, it was still early for him. He had no way of knowing what was to come in the next 15 years.

Shaun: Or like “I smell bacon.” In my head, Link is like John McClane.

Chris: I can see the resemblance.

Lee: Bruce Willis stars as Link in The Legend of Zelda: I Smell Bacon.

Shaun: Now is that a movie, or what?

Chris: It’s something all right.

Lee: “Hookshot? What the hell does this thing do?”

Chris: Maybe it’s because we’ve seen permutations and variations of it since then, but Link to the Past’s story was always one of my favorites. Back then, it was original, simple, and effective.

Shaun: Yeah, that’s true. Although OoT is a much deeper story, it’s hard to argue that it seems like nothing more than a fancy reboot of LTTP’s plot.

Even back then, Zelda didn’t help with anything.

Bad Day

Lee: I enjoyed how the story utilized every section of the map. There were few places where you went just to explore. Everywhere else was necessary to do something.

Shaun: It really did encourage you to seek out all corners of the map. Everything was interconnected somehow. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that this game’s predecessor was side-scrolling. Thank god they didn’t keep that up.

Chris: Not to mention the parallels between the two worlds, which had you exploring every nook and cranny even further. Like an english muffin.

Shaun: I often explore every nook and cranny of my english muffin.

Lee: I am not sure Link has the best luck in the world. Sahasrahla just stood in a cave all day and night waiting for Link to show up. Link had to figure out a Rubik’s cube, solve the Da Vinci Code, and find his way out of a Tesseract just to get to that desert cave.

Chris: Exactly. If Link had been born a few years later, none of this would have happened. You think Zelda’s going to ask a 6-year-old to save the world? …Well, she might. But more likely, this game would have been A Steve to the Past, and the protagonist would not have been as strong.

Shaun: And Uncle to the Past would have been a damn failure, because he introduces his stomach to a sword in the first five minutes. LTTP definitely set the standard of introducing side characters that don’t really help at all. There is no Midna here to construct bridges or antagonize Link constantly. Although in order to have Midna, you need Wolf Link. No thank you. I’ll stick with bunny Link.

Chris: Plus, they have a guy whose sole purpose is to screw with you. “I just cut your magic in half! Vwee hee hee!”

Lee: The point is, Link’s main job in that game was solving puzzles. His sword and shield were just tools he would use to get him to the next dungeon. Then he had to use a half stick of dynamite, a roll of babies, two half-eaten pancakes and a DAMN MONKEY NAMED KIKI to get through the front door. MY RUPEES, I’VE FAILED YOU.

Chris: That’s true. You can’t beat the game without that monkey. Or the Moon Pearl. Or the flute.

Shaun: MacGuyver stars in Link to the Past: I’ve Failed You My Rupees. Wait, what is a roll of babies?

Lee: Babies in a roll.

Shaun: Like, a bread roll?

Chris: Think of it as a bunch of babies on the ground rolled up like carpet and then tossed in a truck.

Lee: It’s like a roll of toilet paper. Wait, I think they are the same thing.

Shaun: Oh, gotcha. The toilet paper comparison did it for me. Thanks.

Chris: Anyway. I love the gameplay in LttP. You run around and use a bunch of items, your sword can shoot beams when your hearts are full, and there’s a great mix of fighting and puzzles.

Shaun: Ah, back when this formula was innovative. To be fair, even though it has been done to death in the last ten years, it’s hard to find a Zelda where it was done better than this one. Everything is so balanced, and there is a purpose for everything…

Enjoy it while it lasts, kid. You won’t see the whole thing again.

We’re an Item Now

Shaun: …except the Cane. That was a piece of garbage. It’s not like Twilight Princess, where you have an inventory of 500 weapons, most of which pointless outside of a single use. Ah, a wand that controls owl statues. Thank god for this. Now I have access to the five statues in the entire world. Don’t even get me started on the ball and chain.

Lee: You have a wife?

Chris: And as cool as the spinner was, it was barely useful either.

Shaun: The fire rod though. That was good. The story of fighting with chickens ends with me and the fire rod. They just burned and died. No retaliation from the chicken nation. Just a sad, sad acceptance.

Chris: That was okay. The cucco retaliation freaked me out the first time anyway. It really taught young me about consequences for beating them senseless with bushes.

Shaun: The hookshot was the best invention in the last 20 years.

Lee: No thank you. I liked the magic cape. Turn invisible for no particular reason. I’m down with that.

Chris: The hookshot never went BOING like it was advertised. I mean, that’s probably a good thing, but still. They said BOING like four times in a minute when you got it.

Chris: Still, it did everything the boomerang could better, except go diagonally, and you were invincible while it was extending. Great item.

Lee: And it pulled you over great distances. I’m surprised Link didn’t tie his sword to the hookshot and shoot it at Ganon’s head. That would have been an epic ending.

Shaun: See, that would have been really ingenuitive. God, Link is dumb.

Chris: Just imagine the look on Ganon’s face. Yes, the ingenuitivitynessocity would have been pretty stellar.

Lee: Hookshoterrific.

Chris: For me, I always liked the fire and ice rod. Simple, but effective. Freezing. Fire…ing. You could do it all.

Lee: I also was a fan of the sword upgrades. They gave you a sense of evolution. Regular, blue, red, gold. I AM getting stronger.

Chris: My only problem was that the Magic Cape made the Cane of Byrna completely useless. Why be invincible and visible?

Shaun: How about invisible and invincible.

Lee: You can be both?

Chris: Shaun, if I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room.

Shaun: God that’s a creepy song. No, I was just posing the question. The point of Checkpoint is to make you think, Lee.

Chris: You know what else was useless? The Book of Mudora. You had to dash into the bookshelf just to reach the thing, and all it did was translate text. Once you got to the Dark World, it was pretty much useless. Still, it speaks volumes (get it?) that there’s only one or two iffy items in this game, compared to later in the series.

Shaun: Favorite item that never made it into the 3-D games. Pegasus boots. That was a game changer for me. It made exploring the world so much easier.

Lee: The Pegasus shoes did make it to Majora’s Mask. They just called them the Bunny Hood.

Chris: Yeah, but they were still different. Although I liked them both. For me, the ability to keep hammering the button to run in place was very important.

Shaun: Yeah, and it’s a dash attack, not just Link in fast forward. Imagine how an awesome dash attack could have been implemented into Twilight Princess.

Chris: Especially if you had control over it whenever you wanted, not in scripted moments.

Shaun: Exactly. But alas, it was not to be. It is significant, though, that we keep going back to conventions from LTTP that we wish were in other Zelda’s.

Lee: Actually, the iron boots had the same effect when you walked from one edge of the map to the other. They broke apart and turned into the Pegasus boots. Try it out some time.

Shaun: Maybe I will. I also heard there was a pistol in the game. If you take cartridge and choke on it, the cartridge falls apart and there is a pistol. Ta-da! Try it. It’s super secret.

Chris: I would’ve liked the magic dust more if Link had used it like Sheik to make improbable escapes in the cloud of smoke.

Lee: I am upset because there was no “kill that damn gouging giant Zora” item. Seriously, I have to empty my bank account and get a second mortgage on my hut because I don’t know how to swim?

Shaun: At least Link could swim in this one, though. One of the more simple, yet critical, additions.

See, we told you not to do drugs without the Moon Pearl. Now look what happened.

Know Your Place

Lee: This game is the best Zelda game, and ranks highly on my list of all-time favorites.

Shaun: God, this is hard. It’s not my favorite. That’s OoT. But it’s probably the most important Zelda, as well as one of the most influential Zeldas of all time. Personal list, it’s number three. Importance in industry? It has to be number one. The original was hugely important, but was only a shell of what LTTP is.

Chris: See, I disagree with both of those. It’s higher up on my favorites list, probably number one, but I’m forced to admit that Ocarina of Time was way more important to the industry. It set the standard for 3-D gaming with Z-targeting and set the stage for the rest of the series.

Shaun: Yes, but OoT borrowed heavily from LTTP. Actually , in almost every department: story, items, gameplay…the list goes on and on. Important for 3-D, but LTTP built an entire generation of gaming, and its effects are apparent today.

Lee: Well, you’re both wrong. Link to the Past was the best. The end.

Shaun: Good. Good resolution.

Lee: THE END, SHAUN

Chris: I’m torn on this because I’m usually the one making the “OoT was a shinier LttP” point. So it’s tough for me to disagree too much. Let’s just say that LttP influenced OoT, which had an impact on 3-D gaming, so in theory it was all Link to the Past’s doing. It speaks well for the Zelda franchise that so many people have different picks for best game or favorite game. There’s a lot of quality titles to choose from.

Yeah, we didn’t talk about this somehow. Our bad.

Outtakes

Shaun: The boss battles were really great, too. We never mentioned those. Aside from tying the Master Sword to the hookshot.

Chris: I mentioned the worm guy. But yeah, we f’ed up. It’s kinda like some people kept getting way off topic or something. Noooo, never mind.

Shaun: It may be the greatest final boss fight in the series. Low on gimmicks. Just you, Ganon, and backwards controlling segments.

Lee: I mentioned Link struggling with his own inadequacy. That’s kind of a major boss.

Shaun: That’s true. And we talked about the uncle. He was kind of a boss! Patronizing doesn’t really come through in text.

Chris: Damn, that means we didn’t talk about Ganon’s TRICK OF DARKNESS either. What a clever bastard. EN GARDE

Shaun: Yeah. That was backwards controlling, right?

Chris: I don’t know. At the time, en garde seemed kinda cool, but now when I think about it it’s just sad and funny. A giant blue french pig?

Shaun: Terrifying.

Lee: And Ganon wasn’t just a pig. He was a bat and three Agahnim’s all rolled into one package.

Chris: And a Swedish chef.

Shaun: His pitchfork was three times bigger than Link, too. Maybe it wasn’t a pitchfork. Maybe it was just a regular fork. Because he was planning on cooking Link. Swedish style.

Checkpoint is a series of discussions run by Chris, Shaun and Tech Guy back in their college newspaper days. For more entries in the series, click here.

To both address and shine a light on these false notions, and gauge the perception of gaming across the non-gaming public, I’ve decided to start a new series, Interview with a Non-gamer. The first is a recycled piece from my days at the newspaper, but I will follow up with new entries that probe the psyche of America…or at the very least allow me to expose the ignorant.

This interview is interesting because of the exploration of sexuality in games, and how that’s perceived by the general public. Or at least by her.

Shaun: Okay, let’s start with this. You don’t game. That’s why I’m interviewing you for a piece called “Interview With a Non-Gamer.” What exactly is it about games that is unappealing to you? What has…

Anonymous Girlfriend: Do we really have to do this? Why do you want to interview me? I don’t know anything about videogames. You should go interview someone else.

S: Okay, first of all, interviews don’t work when you ask me the questions, okay? Secondly, you not knowing anything is the point. I’m trying to get your perspective on things. So, again, what do about videogames do you not…

A: All the girls that have huge (expletive). It’s ridiculous.

S: What?

A: Girls don’t really look like that. Not in real life. These girls are like Barbie Dolls.

S: Well, okay, fine. Sometimes it’s a little overdone. But that’s just media in general for you, not a gaming thing. Is it not the same in movies, or television? Actresses and actors that do not resemble the average human figure are hired to sell sex.

A: I understand, but not every female is a caricature of a woman’s body designed to satisfy some animated sexual fantasy. Often, women in film and television are in really good shape, sure, but there aren’t very many actresses that have the same assets like all girls the in videogames. If Pamela Anderson was in every movie, I wouldn’t like movies either.

Soul Calibur V: Where the fan service goes both ways! Hooray!

S: I think you have a gross misunderstanding of what kind of girls are in games. Yes, some games, like the Soul Calibur series or Dead or Alive, have a full roster of impossibly endowed women. But there are plenty of counter examples. Elika from Prince of Persia is very normal looking, and Alyx from Half-Life 2 is has a very typical body structure.

A: Who?

S:…

A: What about that girl in the game with the ninja. The one that wears dominatrix clothes. Is she what you consider normal?

S: No, Rachel (Ninja Gaiden) is one of the bad examples. But that developer is known for stupid stuff like that. He once put breast physics in one of his games, but on each individual breast.

A: That’s funny.

S: No, it’s disturbing. Anyway, how did we get on this topic?

A: And in the fighting games, they wear bikinis. If I was fighting in a tournament, like, a kung-fu tournament, I would wear armor or something, not lingerie.

S: Fine. Yes, females are often misrepresented, and it’s a problem that is slowly but surely getting better. But that can’t be the only reason you don’t like gaming. You said once that you stopped playing games after Yoshi’s Island…

A: Oh my God, I love Yoshi’s Island!

S: So what made you stop?

A: And Mario. I love Yoshi’s Island and Mario. But I think games got too hard. They’re too complex these days. It’s not fun anymore because the games are too hard to learn.

S: Well, I can understand that, but the scope of the games has changed as well. Back then, characters only ever moved from side to side on a 2D plane, so the input could be relatively simple. Now that characters occupy a three-dimensional space, a D-Pad with two buttons just could not work really work.

A: What?

S: You could not control Halo with just a D-Pad and two buttons.

It was a simpler time. It was a better time…Well, okay, maybe just simpler.

A: Yeah, Halo’s hard. I don’t like the shooting ones. The two joysticks are too hard. I always look at my feet, and then people shoot me.

S: So, what, you just want the industry to stop making advances in technology?

A: No, but I want to still be able to enjoy the types of games that I like. Why does everything have to be Halo?

S: I will agree that there are way too many First-Person Shooters, but that’s not all that’s out there. The Wii is making control inputs more simple by utilizing motion with the Wii Remote, and Xbox Live Arcade and the PlayStation network offer old school arcade games for sale.

A:I like those. But those aren’t the ones that everyone plays anymore. Everyone wants to play the new stuff. They want the games that look like movies. I can’t play with them. It’s too hard to learn. Besides, if I wanted to play a movie, I would just watch a movie rather than spending time learning the new stuff.

S: That’s a really interesting point. So basically, you believe that by emulating movies, gaming is becoming less unique as its own medium?

A: I guess. More than that, I think videogames are for, like, children.

S: What? Why?

A: I don’t know, they just are. It’s in the name. VideoGAMES. Adults don’t spend all their time playing games. Children do.

S: That’s just a misconception. The highest percentage of people that play games belongs to adults.

A: In high school, girls didn’t like the guys that played videogames.

S: But girls at our high school were whores. Everyone at our high school was whores. What is that supposed to mean?

A: I think it means something that they would sleep with anybody, and yet they didn’t like gamers.

S: Because games are for children, or because games are a technology-niche thing? Twenty years ago, comic book movies were a niche thing. Now, films like The Dark Knight and Spiderman 3 are universally accepted, and a huge percentage of those sold tickets are female viewers. Furthermore, about 50 percent of the gaming population is female. I’m just saying that perceptions change,  and games are already making an impact on the mass market thanks to more universal appeal.

A:…

Apparently, this is my ex’s perspective on all non-gamers, circa 1985.

S: What say you?

A: Oh, you’re done?

S: Of course I’m done, I stopped talking.

A: Sorry, I thought you were giving a dissertation. I wasn’t sure. Spiderman 3 sucked.

S: Yes, it did, but that’s not the point. At the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact that games do not possess the same societal acceptability as film, television, and books.

A: Definitely not. Not even close.

S: Everyone’s a critic. That’s okay though, fair enough. Last question then: fix it.

A: That’s not a question.

S: No, I…okay, technically, whatever, I’m saying what would you do to fix it. According to a non-gamer, how do you help gaming make the leap to mass-market appeal.

A: Well, make games available that are easy to learn and fun. I love Cake Maker because it’s simple and addicting. You make cake. Then you serve the cake. But there’s nothing like that on the PlayStation 3. I want Cake Maker with the same production values as the games with bigger budgets, like all the Halo’s. As long as it’s easy and fun, I will like it. Games will never get anywhere if they just try to make the hardcore gamers like you happy. Mass appeal is about making games fun for everyone, not just the fans they already have.

S: So the answer to saving the industry is Cake Maker in 3-D.

The messiah of gaming’s future.

A: That’s what you took from that?

S: No, I’m sorry, you actually gave a very good answer. Very insightful. I’m impressed.

A: Great. I’m going to watch Glee now.

Shaun and Chris descend into the depths of Planet Zebes as they guide Samus through one of the greatest adventures of all-time: Super Metroid.

This is Part 7 of our full playthrough of the SNES classic. In this chapter: Samus has a dance contest with a boss, Shaun considers the merits of the Shinespark, and Chris enjoys his favorite troll moment of the game. We are taking on the entire game in this playthrough. No, not a 100% playthrough — Zero Suit Samus pretty much ruined any incentive to beat this game quickly.

Have a game you want to see us suffer through play next? Let us know in the comments or by sending us an email. Now that this is a series, we’ve created its own page, which you can see here. It’ll list all the games we’ve done so far and what might be coming next.

It’s time to bring peace back to the galaxy. Game on.